I went to bed early last night with the intention of catching up on some much needed ZZZZs. Stupidly, I took reading material with me. I’m an idiot. Everyone knows the only material which is guaranteed to put you to sleep EVERY SINGLE TIME is mandatory university readings which you have skillfully put off looking at until the night before your tutorial. I know that many of you right now are nodding your heads, and just gave a little chortle in agreement. If you have either been to uni, or are currently at uni, you know what I’m talking about!
Seriously, in my mind’s eye I see a secret society of university lecturers all gathering in a candle lit lecture theatre late at night, when all the good students are at home drinking double espresso, trying to keep their bloodshot eyes open long enough to get through just one fucking page of a 100 page compulsory reading before class the following day. The head lecturer moves to the front of the congregation and raises his candle, signaling the start of the meeting.
He speaks, ‘Fellow members of the secret ‘Make-Your-Students-Want-To-Shoot-Their-Faces-Off’ society’, I bring you here to impress upon you the importance of boring the arses off your students. Select for them the most mind numbing, soul destroying, monotonous readings you have in the depth of your filing cabinet. Any readings you have classified as ‘a hot poker in the eye socket would be better than reading this’ in EndNote will suffice. Now go! Put together a selection of your worst. No less than 2000 complied pages will do.’ A cacophony of evil laughter is heard as the dark figures file out of the lecture theatre and into the night.
But I digress…
So, I went to bed early last night with the intention of catching up on some much needed ZZZZs. I took my box of old diaries and letters with me and took myself back to yesteryear. There is far too much classic comedy GOLD in that box to hide it away again. Now that I have found it, I feel it is my duty to share it. Any mothers out there with young daughters take note – this is what YOUR girls are writing in their diaries behind closed doors! Oh the horror!
Here we go again, without edits.
5/01/89 Dear Diary, (11 years old)
Today was totally boring all that was on TV was tenis and sick soapies and to top it all off I had to water the plants! I got a post card from Megan today and I found Mindy’s phone number in the phone book. Really interesting.
6/01/89 Dear Diary,
Their was nothing to do today so I looked up my own phone number in the phone book thats how bored I was. I made half friends with Tammy again and Kevin is a pain in the neck. I have nothing else to write. Goodbuy.
7/01/89 Dear Diary,
Today was boring as well. I rang Stacey up 4 times and Mindy 2 times. Megan got back to day she rang Stacey the second she got back and didn’t call me at all. What a poff I hate her so much.
9/01/89 Dear Diary,
Me and Tammy went to the shops and got bubble gum and lollies. We went to Tammys mums friends house and swam in the pool, river, pool, river, pool, river then we played pool but we couldn’t play river HA HA.
Can you believe I had to WATER THE PLANTS!!! My parents were so mean to me! Obviously I had an adventurous summer holiday that year. 11 year old me was still pretty innocent, but just you wait til you get a load of 14 year old me. I am deeply embarrassed to put this up, but in the interest of having a laugh at my expense, I’ll do it.
29/08/91 Dear Diary,
We arrived at the school dance in a vintage yellow car. Rob and Matt and Jamien and Leith were there and were paying out on us. Scott wasn’t there yet. When we got there Melinda went strait off and hung out with Angela and Eva, what a bitch! I was talking to Leith and he said ‘would you root Scott?’ and Melanie said ‘yes she would’ and I said ‘maybe but only after a while’. Leith said ‘so you would?’ and I said ‘yes, I just wouldn’t jump at the first opartunity to get down his pants’. Then we were dancing and then were all talking outside. I was talking to Alan and Craig and Dallas and some other grade 12s, then I went back and sat with Mel. Jamien and Leith and Troy and Jay and Peter came over and they said ‘you excite Alan’ and Mel said ‘Alan excites Soph’ just joking but he took it seriously. Then we had to go and speaking of going, I must depart. Full House is on.
Love Soph. I love Scott.
4/09/91 Dear Diary,
I am so pissed of with life. I haven’t seen Scott in days and its so annoying. I love him like I’ve never loved anyone else. Today I heard that Scott only went out with me for a joke. Im so depresed. I am sick of being in trouble and being stuck in the office. If I don’t get out of detention soon I am going to swap schools even though I don’t want to leave all my friends. Life sux. If a fairy granted me 3 wishes it would be – 1. to go back out with Scott for a very long time. 2. to be a famous model like Alison Brahe. 3. For Mum and Dad to like Mel.
Love pissed off Soph. I still love Scott.
Oh. My. Gaaawwd!!! I was such a fucking git! Totally boy crazy, those hormones must have been running rampant. I must have been a total bitchface to live with. Thank goodness I have boys. I also have to say that I cannot even REMEMBER most of those people I wrote about. Obviously nothing more than a fleeting presence in my life. I do remember Scott because he lived up the road. I think we went out for about a week. A truer love there never was(n’t).
I wasn’t an actual slut. I had a gazillion boyfriends, but they didn’t last any longer than a week. Some of them I never even spoke to. ‘So-and-so wants to go out with you’, I say OK and then we avoid each other like the plague until it got boring and I’d get someone to go and break up with him for me. I was still quite young, I didn’t actually have a real boyfriend until I was in year 10. I do remember him though, he really was my first love. But not my true love, that’s D.
How many of you still have diaries from when you were young and stupid? Were you a brazen hussy like me? I cringe when I read this nonsense, but it was who I was back then. In retrospect, I can laugh at teenage me and appreciate how ridiculous I was. I did not know what love was, yet I was ‘in love’ with a new random every week. I now KNOW about love. I’m all grown up with children and a man I adore -this is love. This is what it is all about. Your teenage self is just a rehearsal for the real thing. I guess that is why one goes through so many boyfriends. It is just fine tuning. Practicing for perfection.